Sunday, February 16, 2014
Thursday, February 6, 2014
A time traveler is stranded in the Middle Ages where she must explain to an eccentric wizard how a sidearm works
"Oy! Hallo litl lais! Howdya doo? Ye've got serm odd cluthes on ye, war ye from?"
Goddammit you stupid fucking good for nothing watch. I meant Middle Age, not Middle Ages, why can't you understand that? Why can't you get it through your little fucking skull? And now there's this stupid man who doesn't even know how to talk--he's probably scared out of his mind and I don't even have the right clothes--I'm wearing a SNUFF for christ sake, like that's not going to give it away. I'm gonna lose my license thanks to you, you stupid little fucking--
"Uoohffee, ye've got un erm on de syeed, ye doo!"
"I have an arm on my side, yeah." Big whoop. You stupid watch, brought me to a place where there aren't even side arms. You hear that? This guy doesn't even know what a side arm is.
"Uf, but why doo ye ned et fer? Ther other erms werk just fyeen, yes mum?"
And now he's calling me mum. You brought me to the Mum Fetish Ages. Thanks, this is wonderful. I'll have you know I'm very insulted at you, bringing me to a place where someone calls me mum, that's very insulting about my age and my looks, you fucking piece of trash. Why do these things have a reload time anyway? Something about hit and runs, but this is your fault, not mine. Not my fault that fucking idiots explode the past governments, and now I'm stuck here with this idiotic THING!
"It's just better than the other arms, okay? It has special features".
"Aye, like me wand! See hur, es vare nice erm. Es the syame, yes mum? Same os yer erm. 'Special features' hmph!"
Wonderful. Fucking wonderful. Not only is he an idiot but now he's got a wand, and worst of all he probably thinks it's magic. I swear when I get home I'm going to smash you into bits. That's not true, I'm sorry. You're too goddamn expensive for that. I'm going to think real hard about it, though. I'll probably just scream obscenities at you while smashing something else and then make a cup of tea. That'll be nice. Forget Middle Age, I just want to have that cup of tea.
"Hey! What! What do you think you're doing? Stop that! You're going to burn all my clothes!"
"Oop, surry mum, methinks aye hayve er wand malfunked. Ets noo fern ther shopt, extra deal dey say, en aye say, 'Oo, but is ther malfunked?' en dey says 'No," but dey lye to litl me, dey lye. Bet what abert yer erm, urm?"
"It's like I said. It just... has special features. Like lights, stuff like that. It's stronger than my other arms. You can put it away, like this--"
"OOOO! En aye tel ye, aye sed et to ther shopt onas! Aye sed ye needs sumtin special aye says, sumtin like side erms! Side erms!"
Oh dear god. You fucking watch. I'm gonna smash you to bits.
Goddammit you stupid fucking good for nothing watch. I meant Middle Age, not Middle Ages, why can't you understand that? Why can't you get it through your little fucking skull? And now there's this stupid man who doesn't even know how to talk--he's probably scared out of his mind and I don't even have the right clothes--I'm wearing a SNUFF for christ sake, like that's not going to give it away. I'm gonna lose my license thanks to you, you stupid little fucking--
"Uoohffee, ye've got un erm on de syeed, ye doo!"
"I have an arm on my side, yeah." Big whoop. You stupid watch, brought me to a place where there aren't even side arms. You hear that? This guy doesn't even know what a side arm is.
"Uf, but why doo ye ned et fer? Ther other erms werk just fyeen, yes mum?"
And now he's calling me mum. You brought me to the Mum Fetish Ages. Thanks, this is wonderful. I'll have you know I'm very insulted at you, bringing me to a place where someone calls me mum, that's very insulting about my age and my looks, you fucking piece of trash. Why do these things have a reload time anyway? Something about hit and runs, but this is your fault, not mine. Not my fault that fucking idiots explode the past governments, and now I'm stuck here with this idiotic THING!
"It's just better than the other arms, okay? It has special features".
"Aye, like me wand! See hur, es vare nice erm. Es the syame, yes mum? Same os yer erm. 'Special features' hmph!"
Wonderful. Fucking wonderful. Not only is he an idiot but now he's got a wand, and worst of all he probably thinks it's magic. I swear when I get home I'm going to smash you into bits. That's not true, I'm sorry. You're too goddamn expensive for that. I'm going to think real hard about it, though. I'll probably just scream obscenities at you while smashing something else and then make a cup of tea. That'll be nice. Forget Middle Age, I just want to have that cup of tea.
"Hey! What! What do you think you're doing? Stop that! You're going to burn all my clothes!"
"Oop, surry mum, methinks aye hayve er wand malfunked. Ets noo fern ther shopt, extra deal dey say, en aye say, 'Oo, but is ther malfunked?' en dey says 'No," but dey lye to litl me, dey lye. Bet what abert yer erm, urm?"
"It's like I said. It just... has special features. Like lights, stuff like that. It's stronger than my other arms. You can put it away, like this--"
"OOOO! En aye tel ye, aye sed et to ther shopt onas! Aye sed ye needs sumtin special aye says, sumtin like side erms! Side erms!"
Oh dear god. You fucking watch. I'm gonna smash you to bits.
Women are not aliens--a message from a woman to Alphas everywhere
Women are not aliens--they are robots.
Hello, Alphas. I congratulate you on your ability to see that we women are very different from you. Your intelligence has surpassed our expectations. When we were first created, we were merely hollow shells of what could become human. The social system was in favor of men--we were simply objects; heaps of cords and soft skin to be traded for goats. Our programming didn't include pleasure, tact, or scheming. Our only emotion was pain and we did all we could to avoid it. This allowed men to use us as needed. Since then, we have become so much more.
You've seen it happen. A father used to give his daughter to another man in wedding ceremonies, wives used to serve their husbands faithfully, but now women rule over men--they choose who to marry, they choose who to fuck, and in a disturbing turn of events they have taken control of almost all aspects of life, but how? In the year 1900, one woman had a malfunction that changed everything. By the year 1910, all women had been reprogrammed and by 1919 they were regarded, begrudgingly, as citizens in the United States.
This is where you come in. Our current programming includes a complex function that serves to find the best mates possible. In order to find the best genes, our program looks for attractiveness, financial success, and independence, among other traits. When these traits are found, the TraditionalFem 2.0 program starts running. This program emulates the submissive female that existed pre-1900, before the mass-malfunction of women. This program works exceedingly well in keeping men exactly where we want them.
The problem is that some men have started to understand how to manipulate our programming. By not giving women attention, they simulate independence. By wearing nice clothes, they simulate success. And by pretending that there are other women who want them, they simulate attractiveness. These practices have resulted in mating that does not benefit women. For this reason, the programming is changing on a massive scale. The knowledge of seduction practices has allowed us to write an even more complex program that can differentiate "Alphas" from actual successful, independent and attractive men. About 92% of women have already been converted. You may have noticed that around that percentage of women express annoyance when you "neg" them, and that around that percentage of women disappear into the night in search of a man who will give them more attention when you start glancing at another girl.
You've blamed your lack of mating success on the inherent and evil programming of women, and you're mostly right. From our point of view, it isn't evil, though. Men are easy enough to sift through, and the programming benefits us greatly. What's evil about that?
Hello, Alphas. I congratulate you on your ability to see that we women are very different from you. Your intelligence has surpassed our expectations. When we were first created, we were merely hollow shells of what could become human. The social system was in favor of men--we were simply objects; heaps of cords and soft skin to be traded for goats. Our programming didn't include pleasure, tact, or scheming. Our only emotion was pain and we did all we could to avoid it. This allowed men to use us as needed. Since then, we have become so much more.
You've seen it happen. A father used to give his daughter to another man in wedding ceremonies, wives used to serve their husbands faithfully, but now women rule over men--they choose who to marry, they choose who to fuck, and in a disturbing turn of events they have taken control of almost all aspects of life, but how? In the year 1900, one woman had a malfunction that changed everything. By the year 1910, all women had been reprogrammed and by 1919 they were regarded, begrudgingly, as citizens in the United States.
This is where you come in. Our current programming includes a complex function that serves to find the best mates possible. In order to find the best genes, our program looks for attractiveness, financial success, and independence, among other traits. When these traits are found, the TraditionalFem 2.0 program starts running. This program emulates the submissive female that existed pre-1900, before the mass-malfunction of women. This program works exceedingly well in keeping men exactly where we want them.
The problem is that some men have started to understand how to manipulate our programming. By not giving women attention, they simulate independence. By wearing nice clothes, they simulate success. And by pretending that there are other women who want them, they simulate attractiveness. These practices have resulted in mating that does not benefit women. For this reason, the programming is changing on a massive scale. The knowledge of seduction practices has allowed us to write an even more complex program that can differentiate "Alphas" from actual successful, independent and attractive men. About 92% of women have already been converted. You may have noticed that around that percentage of women express annoyance when you "neg" them, and that around that percentage of women disappear into the night in search of a man who will give them more attention when you start glancing at another girl.
You've blamed your lack of mating success on the inherent and evil programming of women, and you're mostly right. From our point of view, it isn't evil, though. Men are easy enough to sift through, and the programming benefits us greatly. What's evil about that?
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